A Brand New Toy!

I am about 27 days away from turning 30. 

When I was a kid 30 seemed older, not just because I was small and everyone over aged 16 seemed really old, but because they were doing way more grown-uppy things, like having careers and multiple babies. Even the desperately poor people seemed to have it more together, but maybe that is the skewed understanding that comes from being a tiny human. 

I don't feel ready for the responsibility of being 30, even if 30 is the new 12. Is 30 the new 12? It seems like the math works out that way if 40 is the new 20. 

Anyway, two of my favorite people decided (in their infinite grown-uppy wisdom) to soften the blow by getting me an early gift. 

I didn't know that such a thing existed (maybe I am ready to be 30) but there is a new fangled device that allows one to have internet access wherever one finds oneself. I am the proud new owner of just such a device. It comes in the form (in this case) of a small laptop and connects using 3G. 

In short, IT IS AWESOME.

Thank you to the two of you that helped soften the 30 year old blow. 

In other news, I have been spending the last couple days at Starbucks in Marble Falls, leeching the free internet they offer. There is a very cute girl who works there and she has been making eyes at me all week. I have made some eyes at her to, but most of the eyes are coming from her side of the counter. I love knowing that someone is checking me out, it makes me try harder to look cute. In fact I came up with an incredible outfit this morning so that she could see me in it and she wasn't there this morning. Then it got really hot and I changed into a new thing that was not nearly as great, when I went back inside, she was working. That's probably why it's best not to plan for these things. 

She summoned up all her courage (finally) and talked to me this evening. She's adorable and I like the feeling of intimidating someone with my beauty. 

Tomorrow is (probably) the day the boyfriend and I pack it in and leave Marble Falls for the trek through more of small-town Texas. 

Today was awesome!

Dig up the clams.

Many generations ago there was a Native American tribe living off the coast of San Francisco. They periodically went to a clam bed that was there and dug up the biggest clams, it was a tradition passed on from generation to generation. At some point conservationists came by and saw what they were doing, and realizing that there were almost no other clam beds along the pacific coast the wanted to conserve this one. They encouraged the Native American tribe to stop digging the clams so that they might be saved. The tribe ensured the scientists that the clams were there because they were being dug up. The clams were there because the humans were there, as was told by their elders. This idea was completely illogical to the scientists and they quickly made laws forbidding people to dig up the clams. The tribe moved away, having had their main livelihood taken from them and within two years the clam bed was gone, there is no trace of it. 

It turns out, once science caught up, that the tribe was right. The clams' survival depended on humans taking away the bigger ones and having their bed dug up and re-molded every so often. Without human intervention the California coast was not inhabitable for them. 

I started thinking about the use of the word clam as another word for money and realized that this story works for that kind of clam too. Money is a human construct, we believe that it is valuable because we have assigned value to it. It (very literally) is here because we are here. All of the conservationists want to make sure that it continues to be here, and in order to insure that it is encourage the humans not to use it. We are supposed to "save for a rainy day", "invest in our future" understand that "a penny saved is a penny earned", the list could go on forever.  Meanwhile we are not supposed to have a lovely clam dinner, because we want our children to see the clam beds. I say; Dig up the clams, there will be more as long as we need them. They are here because we are here.

In other news I went to the liquor store yesterday to acquire beer for my day of fishing. Which, by the way was a little less traumatic than the last fishing trip as the boyfriend caught two fish that had a death wish and therefore died on scene. At the liquor store there was an overly helpful woman working there. She was white, about 40, tall, gaunt and dressed in a sweatshirt and tight jeans with her hair a high ponytail. She took my credit card and looked at it twice and said "Your name isn't really Tucker is it?" (legal name still on all legal documents) to which I responded with my classic "Yeah, Tucker Jackson Davis, I'm pretty sure my parents were expecting a boy." She laughed and pointed to her name tag. It said Natica. "I'm pretty sure my parents expected me to be black, imagine their surprise".  

A nice little picture of the boyfriend fishing, at Inks Lake Texas.

 

Until next time, I am back on the open road, spending the weekend in Marble Falls Texas, en route westward.

Dallas, Television, and a Ball.

So, I went to Dallas. It's so strange to step into someone else's reality for two weeks. I always feel like I'm ready, like I know that it's going to be strange but I also know that I won't lose touch with myself. 

I am usually wrong. 

In Dallas I have my brother, his wife and their 3 daughters age 10, 2 and 14 months. They have a big house with a pool in the back yard, and a middle class lifestyle. My brother and I often remark about how foreign it feels to him that he has a middle class life in a big house in a suburban subdivision. We came from very little, so it's still strange when one of us jumps class. My brother has always been my ultimate hero, the guy who could do no wrong, a rugged, moody, pile of perfection, and he basically still is. 

The theme of their house is television. There is a giant flatscreen in almost all of the rooms and at least one of them is always on. Sometimes it's being watched, but mostly it is used for background noise and a little adult company for my stay-at-home sister in law. I haven't really been around television much in the last decade. I watch some shows online, but I haven't owned a tv in over 5 years and haven't been an avid watcher since I was 10. 

There are so many messages about self-hatred being flung out at a constant rate. You are not thin enough, your boobs are too small, you penis is too flaccid, not enough hair, too much hair, too poor, terrible job,  not enough education, not muscular enough, and on and on and on. 

The people who I know that are constantly surrounded by tv don't actively notice. It's as if they already know that they are not good enough and they watch television because they would rather not think about it for the moment. It is a vicious cycle and it's entirely aimed at getting money.

It's very frustrating that most American's are involved in a thing that takes away all of their self worth to replace it with random images, mediocre plot lines and more fear than you can shake a stick at.

I've been home for 5 days now. I have attempted to go on a diet, cut my hair, change my clothes, and generally hide from the world. I am not used to the constant barrage of commercial media, and I got blind sided. I had a full breakdown last night because the boyfriend wanted to but butter on the orzo. Butter makes you fatter you know, and fat people are lazy slobs that don't have any friends or anyone to love them. If you want to be loved for who you are, you cannot eat butter. 

I think I'm back in control of my own self again, the volume of the commercial messages is fading.

In other news I have a fantastic new friend in Austin and she is doing this cool thing that I get to be a part of, and, same friend is putting on a formal winter ball. I spent all week working on my dress and it's nearly finished now. Pictures will happen after the affair. I'm going to a ball! I feel like a fairy tale princess. 

That about does it for me.

Join me next time, when I Zia Sophia take on the open road.

I dreamed I had the key to the universe!

The title is true, last night I dreamed that I found the answer to the universe. I had the key right in my hand. I walked around, no not walked, strutted, in my dream for a few minutes knowing that I KNEW. This morning I woke up, rolled over and remembered that I knew it.... 

Remembered that I knew it, not what it was. DAMNIT!!! so close.

For many many days (almost two years) I have been trying desperately to figure out what I want from my life. I have thrown out about seventy billion adjectives and verbs, a few nouns and maybe even some adverbs, but none of them seem to lead me to the place I REALLY want to be. 

Through my goings over of past choices that have led me to this place (A pretty nice driveway (as driveways go) in Austin TX) I realized that I had what I wanted the whole time. 

AND that what I wanted IS the key to my universal happiness. 

Simply put, I want the most amazing journey that I can possibly pack into one lifetime.

Many great philosophers have noted that (paraphrasing here, obviously) it is in the downtime that one achieves greatness. Buddha sat under a tree for six days doing (from the outside perspective at least) nothing. When he finally stood up, aside from his overwhelming hunger pangs he had found total enlightenment. I'm not looking for that necessarily but I am looking to see what life can hand me, and if at this point it is only cold boredom with looming poverty and no end in sight, so be it. 

For the past two years I have been living on the edge. No job, no prospects, no goals, no money, no responsibilities that I feel compelled to give attention to. No commitments, no obligations (social or otherwise) and though there are fleeting moments of crippling fear and overwhelming panic those moments are more rare these days. 

We, as human beings seem to take up most of our time trying to figure out right from wrong. We need to make sure we are right more often than not We need to insure to ourselves that even if we're not right, at least we're less wrong than that guy. What if there is no such thing? What if every single human being on the planet is living in their own perfection, every choice is perfect for them, and if it effects us, the effect is also perfect. 

No rights, no wrongs. Well that frees up about 90% of everyone's schedule. Of course now there is a boredom epidemic... Reality television will have to be canceled and  most major religions too. We could probably do okay as a human race without those though.

Maybe this morning when I woke up from the dream I didn't actually forget the key to the universe after all. 

*High Five*

Thanks for joining me, Zia Sophia as I take on the key to the universe!

YAY! I'm back in!!!

For inexplicable reasons my blog locked me out for the last two weeks. I guess whatever I was going to write was going to be worthless, so the universe, in all infinite wisdom just barred me. Thank you?

Anyway, I have started working for ChaCha again. That means that I answer any question under the sun for approximately ten cents. My favorite question yesterday was "Can you fingerbang somebody to death?" The job definitely gives me a small slice of America that otherwise I would be blind to. Also, it pays me less than a dollar an hour, so I get the bonus lesson of realizing how hard t would be to live on the salary of the person who made my converse sneakers. Bonuses are good. 

The boyfriend and I have officially spent too much time in our tiny home together. Everything that once was charming about either of us has now  become horrible and disgusting. I am honestly amazed that we made it this long without committing to a suicide pact, or some sort of murder/suicide ritual. We must REALLY like each other. 

In order to alleviate the not-enough-personal-space-strain I am going to Dallas to spend time with my brother and his family for about a week. I've found that there's nothing better for remembering that your life is great than spending time in someone else's reality.  Plus, they have a pool. 

They also have heat, which I am sad to say we are out of right now. There was a cold snap (doesn't that make it sound like a refrigerator cookie) and last night when I went to check the levels I found a giant red E starting at me from the propane level indicator. It seems that in order to avoid death and cold snaps, Dallas is the best choice. 

I put up ads on Craigslist last night. One asking for money or a job or both in the "wanted" section and one posting my skills in the "resume" section. In both of the ads I talked about needing money, in the form of charity or employment so that I could turn the heat back on and be able to cook food and things. A few people offered me money or jobs. I was stoked that something finally gave and I was going to get a job as a personal assistant or nanny or housekeeper. I talked a bit more about myself to them, answered questions and stuff and was feeling great. Until I realized that the man who wanted a personal assistant wanted a "personal" assistant, to assist with erections... The person who wanted a nanny wanted a "nanny" and the only child he has is his own inner child who's been a bad, bad boy. Last but certainly not least there was the housekeeper position. He actually did want me to clean his house, naked. He said,  "There may, from time to time be something else that needs a spit shine too, if you know what I mean" WHAT?!?

So, I make less of a living wage than the children in Chinese sweatshops, answering stranger's questions and I have no heat and no way to cook food and my only job prospects involve "spit shining" if you know what I mean... It's really kind of hilarious. 

Oh yeah, and I have an Etsy store, http://www.etsy.com/shop/ZiaSophiaDesigns 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY to Oliver Roscoe who is 5 today!!!!!!!

Join me next time as I Zia Sophia take on the open road to Dallas TX.

It's time to talk about Walmart.

This post may appall and infuriate many of you... Those kind of feelings just help to remind you that you are alive, so... You're Welcome!! 

Before I started this trip I was not one of the people who was adamantly opposed to Walmart, but it wasn't my first choice; in fact, it was generally my last. The small college town I went to University in had very few options for shopping at the time that I attended, and Wal-Mart was the best option, especially because I didn't have a vehicle and had to mooch rides to get anywhere so the prospect of one stop shopping was very alluring. 

During my post college years I lived in San Francisco. There is no Walmart there and I'm sure, because of the amazing amount of anti consumerism/anti capitalist activism that goes on there, Walmart will not be allowed to set up shop inside the city limits. Plus there are about fifty million other, better options to get the wares that one might need. In the decade that I spent in the bay area I went to Walmart (in Oakland) twice, to escort my Pop who swears it's his favorite store. 

One night, just before I embarked on the RV adventure I went out with a friend who drives a VW Westfalia camper van. We were out very late and didn't know if we would make it all the way home. He saw a Walmart and remarked that we could always stay there. I thought he was just saying that because they have a big parking lot and that it would make sense that we could stay there. It turns out that Walmart (corporate, each Walmart gets to write their own policies on the rule) has a policy that people can use the Walmart parking lot for overnight parking. That probably seems like not that big of a deal, but I dare you to find a place to park at 2 am in the middle of a medium sized city while driving a vehicle that obviously has a bed or two inside. It isn't impossible, but it is very difficult and nerve wracking especially when sleep deprivation is at play. 

So, since embarking on the cross country adventure I now call my life I have stayed at over twenty different Walmarts across the United States. I know that many of the anti-capitalists are appalled that this corporation has taken over so much of America that it's nearly impossible to pull into a town without spotting a Walmart, and that's valid. However in the case of my life, it is brilliant. I have a place to stay almost anywhere that I go. Not just anyplace either, a place where one can get almost anything in the world (consumable) for ridiculously low prices. 

Before I get rolling eyes or mean comments please know that I understand the policies for which Walmart has gotten a bad name, I understand that the business practices and employee treatment deserves the fire that it gets, but every cloud has a silver lining.

There is another aspect about staying in the lot that makes it easier to acclimate to the particular place we are in, and it is that every Walmart is a little bit different based on the demographic that it serves. I know that probably seems obvious, but, for example:

Some Walmarts have guns and ammo, those are the places where the boyfriend and I have to put all traces of queer in our pockets or risk having the way our faces look by the fists of rednecks

Some Walmarts put the make-up section right next to the food and the baby section just behind that. Those are the places where the boyfriend and I don't drink the water for fear of falling victim of the overwhelming patriarchy and unplanned pregnancies.

There are a few that have extensive craft sections. These, in my experience NEVER have guns or ammo, have brighter colors of makeup and nail polish and tend to have a more vibrant display of produce. The boyfriend and I tend to make friends easily in those towns.

In towns that are surrounded by farms and/or many other small towns, Walmart tends to be a little more sparse. They tend to carry bulk food items (like 20 lb bags of sugar) and the fashion options are jeans, overalls and sweat suits. 

I think it would be fair to say that the boyfriend and I have become Walmart connoisseurs. Though there have been moments where my future looked bleak waking in the parking lot of Walmart for the fourth or fifth day in a row, all-in-all I'm happy about their policy and glad I always have a place to stay. Walmart even says it on their sign. 

Thanks Walmart!

Tune in next time when I Zia Sophia sing the praises of McDonald's, High Fructose Corn Syrup and Halliburton. 

A Christmas Miracle.

This Christmas has been filled with joy and happiness. This morning was spent doing interpretive dance to traditional Christmas carols, watching a yule log burn on a laptop screen, drinking peppermint mochas and eating homemade crepes. Something about all the love and togetherness makes me feel more alone. 

It seems a lot more likely to me lately that I would prefer living all alone with occasional visitors and consistent internet access. I understand agoraphobia more than I ever used to. Does one get disability payments for having agoraphobia? I'm not sure that it has hit actual "phobia" level yet, but I think it has some pretty great potential to get there.
I'm still at the "preference" level I think.

Throughout my tiny human years I thought that the route to happiness was surrounding myself with admiring fans, constantly, and by any means necessary. That seems like a healthy phase to grow out of.

I have been spending the last few days since my last blog update catching up on my alone time. Which means that I have been watching embarrassing  television shows and crafting. 

Here are some of the highlights:

I created: 

*a new Etsy account which has nothing on it currently, but will soon

*an 18 pocket wall length organizer for tiny things out of a curtain and a pillowcase (total collaboration w/the boyfriend) looks cooler than it sounds, see?

* 6 homemade stockings (also a collaboration) (here are mine and the boyfriend's)

* 18 peppermint chocolate cupcakes

* 2 new pairs of earrings

* 2 barrettes

* and a miracle for a 9 year old named Mackayla

That's right, I created a miracle. 

Oh yeah, and since last update I fixed my digital camera (maybe that's obvious?) and I got a speaking role in the movie. I get called a fucking husky bitch... A-mazing.

Merry Christmas Everyone!

Christmas Shopping

This year, although not much different from every other year, I am totally broke. 

Last year I spent the holiday with my Dad and his family which was very nice but pretty ritzy. They were very welcoming and didn't expect anything from me, but nothing reminds me that I are broke more adequately than being the weird girl in thrift store dress at a formal dinner party. To add insult to injury, the family members gifted each other with computers and home sound systems and other high priced goods, and I brought the homemade chocolate covered pretzels in a jaunty aluminum pan with snowmen on it, and I didn't even buy the stuff to make them myself. Yeah, pretty comfortable saying that there has never been a Christmas where my poverty was so out of place. They seemed to like the pretzels, and they all needed something to eat while playing with their new playstations and computers. Plus I put a little love into them. Come to think of it I gave best gift of all. Yay me!

So this year, I am spending Christmas in my RV that is parked in the driveway of very dear friends. It seems they might invite us in for a cup of apple cider or something, but probably, there is no formal dinner party where game-show-prize-like gifts will be exchanged 

(Grandma, tell her what she's won... A NEW HOUSE!!! complete with home sound system, state of the art robot maid and a three car garage already loaded with 3 NEW CARS!!! Merry Christmas Jane, thanks for playing)

So I made some cards and was very excited that I was on top of it this year, I had them ready for stamping and addressing before Easter... (big deal for me, I am usually at least two holidays behind) I proudly went to the post office ready to buy some Christmas stamps. The handmade envelopes are white with red detailing and I was hoping for a stamp that could match the childlike charm of the envelope. 

The person at the post office desk boasted that there were several options for Christmas postage this year, so I took one of the cards out of the bag so I could visualize the perfect stamp. 

Here were my options:

Virgin Mary, holding Jesus

          or

Virgin Mary, holding Jesus (slightly different color scheme)

          or

Virgin Mary, holding Jesus (old fashioned, renaissance-type styling)

          or

Virgin Mary, holding Jesus (abstract-ish)

          or

pine cones

Many of my beliefs in the magic of Christmas blinked one last time before extinguishing themselves permanently, and I bought the stupid pine cone stamps. I really wanted Santa Claus or Elves or a Reindeer, jumping, anything except Mary, Jesus, or pine cones.

Besides those cards, I sent only gifts that are at least two holidays behind. I sent my pop a gift that was supposed to be for Father's Day, but I missed it. I reassigned it to his birthday but then I missed that too, so in my usual fashion he's finally getting it for Christmas. I think it makes it better anyway, because some people wouldn't get a gift on say, Labor Day or St. Patrick's Day but you might if you are on my gift giving list. Sure the card will say Happy Halloween! or Happy Birthday! but you get to open it on Martin Luther King Jr. Day. I am very thoughtful. 

Happy Friday everyone!!!

On a serious note.

I've been thinking lately about censorship, the personal kind, that we do to ourselves everyday. I put on different standards for the places I go or the people that are going to be there. 

Writing a blog makes me realize how much I keep hidden from the world. There are thoughts and events and ideas that I feel compelled to share but when I realize the diversity in the audience that might be reached I realize that my self censorship spikes out of control. 

It's very rare that a person would say the same thing to their friend that they would say to a lover or a parent, but I want to be able to break that wall. I want to be able to say what I want and not fear the judgment or persecution of the groups that are brought together by my writing. 

Honestly, it's probably not a big deal since only about 4 people read this. It is probably a safer medium for my personal thoughts and feelings than the journal that I hide under my bed. 

I have been feeling very disconnected from myself lately and the little voice that keeps my identity and social safety in check has been letting me know that it's time to try harder to "be myself" 

That time honored quote that gets passed down from generation to generation that has virtually no meaning. It seems that one has no choice but to be oneself. Though often a person finds that the oneself  thought to be is not as shiny and good and acceptable as they would like, reluctance or guilt does not make anyone less authentic.

I have been living in a perpetual state of trying to please other people with my words and actions, and it seems that no matter what I try to do there is always at least one person dissatisfied with my attempts. Obviously the only solution is to be sure that I am satisfied with each attempt. 

So, stay tuned as I, Zia Sophia take on the open road, and allow my authentic self be good enough for me.

My name in lights

I did it! 

After only a few small (and not so small) hints I was able to secure myself a part in the movie.

We filmed on Sunday and I was a smashing success. I played the (very important) role of Diner number 3.

I didn't have any lines and I may have been directly behind the lead actor so that his head probably obstructed any view of me, but I was there. I know it and now all of you know it. I'm going to be FAMOUS!

The job hunt is still on, I found an adorable children's shoe store today and will apply there tomorrow when I am more appropriately dressed. Somehow I think it may dissuade them from hiring me if they can see my ass through the hole in my tights that is visible because the length of my skirt makes cheerleaders seem prudish and conservative.

Also, the whole job hunt may prove to be a moot point anyway because after some famous big-time director sees the corner of my face behind the lead actors head, he may call and arrange for my direct ascension to stardom. 

I'll go ahead and apply tomorrow anyway, just in case. 

Yesterday I came down with a 24 hour bug that had me bedridden all day. I had a fever and felt generally unwell. I have always used that excuse in order to get out of school commitments or work so that I could nurse a hangover or go ride rollercoasters, I had no idea that a 24 hour bug actually existed. 

Next thing a dog will eat my homework, a unicorn will come by to offer me a ride to the end of the rainbow where a leprechaun will be holding out his pot of gold and Santa Claus will come down my chimney bearing gifts.

Until next time, I Zia Sophia will attempt to take on the golden road to fame.