Thursday, February 3, 2011

Dallas, Television, and a Ball.

So, I went to Dallas. It's so strange to step into someone else's reality for two weeks. I always feel like I'm ready, like I know that it's going to be strange but I also know that I won't lose touch with myself. 

I am usually wrong. 

In Dallas I have my brother, his wife and their 3 daughters age 10, 2 and 14 months. They have a big house with a pool in the back yard, and a middle class lifestyle. My brother and I often remark about how foreign it feels to him that he has a middle class life in a big house in a suburban subdivision. We came from very little, so it's still strange when one of us jumps class. My brother has always been my ultimate hero, the guy who could do no wrong, a rugged, moody, pile of perfection, and he basically still is. 

The theme of their house is television. There is a giant flatscreen in almost all of the rooms and at least one of them is always on. Sometimes it's being watched, but mostly it is used for background noise and a little adult company for my stay-at-home sister in law. I haven't really been around television much in the last decade. I watch some shows online, but I haven't owned a tv in over 5 years and haven't been an avid watcher since I was 10. 
There are so many messages about self-hatred being flung out at a constant rate. You are not thin enough, your boobs are too small, you penis is too flaccid, not enough hair, too much hair, too poor, terrible job,  not enough education, not muscular enough, and on and on and on. 
The people who I know that are constantly surrounded by tv don't actively notice. It's as if they already know that they are not good enough and they watch television because they would rather not think about it for the moment. It is a vicious cycle and it's entirely aimed at getting money.
It's very frustrating that most American's are involved in a thing that takes away all of their self worth to replace it with random images, mediocre plot lines and more fear than you can shake a stick at.

I've been home for 5 days now. I have attempted to go on a diet, cut my hair, change my clothes, and generally hide from the world. I am not used to the constant barrage of commercial media, and I got blind sided. I had a full breakdown last night because the boyfriend wanted to but butter on the orzo. Butter makes you fatter you know, and fat people are lazy slobs that don't have any friends or anyone to love them. If you want to be loved for who you are, you cannot eat butter. 

I think I'm back in control of my own self again, the volume of the commercial messages is fading.

In other news I have a fantastic new friend in Austin and she is doing this cool thing that I get to be a part of, and, same friend is putting on a formal winter ball. I spent all week working on my dress and it's nearly finished now. Pictures will happen after the affair. I'm going to a ball! I feel like a fairy tale princess. 

That about does it for me.
Join me next time, when I Zia Sophia take on the open road.

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